Recently, I've been reflecting on a significant hurdle in personal transformation: resistance from one's social environment. Often, when we embark on a journey of personal improvement, we find that those close to us either don’t support our decisions or unconsciously sabotage our process.
Such examples abound. Consider a client striving for a healthier diet, while their spouse persistently offers unhealthy meals and snacks. A student deciding to improve her academic performance might struggle with distractions like social invitations or comments suggesting she's become less fun. Another scenario involves a client prescribed psychiatric medication, only to face their family's skepticism over the diagnosis and drug effects, disregarding the client's experiences and feelings. These examples illustrate how personal changes can disrupt established dynamics, leading to resistance from those around us.
While discussing this phenomenon with a colleague of mine, she gave me a thought-provoking example: human relationships are a Rubik’s cube, whenever you want to sort out a color, other colors are going to be moved and, unlike with the colors of the cube, people offer resistance to being displaced.
Going back to our previous examples, when a member of a couple drastically changes his or her lifestyle, it changes the couple’s routine and sparks a number of feelings in their significant other, like jealousy, insecurity, disconformity, etc. The same can be said of the friends of the student, who can feel left behind by the student’s newfound drive, when before they had a pal for leisure activities, now they have an empty space and a sense of lacking whatever that person provided to the group. When a family member is diagnosed with a mental disorder, it forces the others to confront their denial, the implications of the diagnosis, their role in the dynamics, and how it contributed to the situation.
This doesn't mean you shouldn’t rock the boat and change what doesn’t suit you. In all cases, the environment will offer resistance at first, but hopefully, they will adapt to the firm boundaries you set. Usually, therapists recognize these kinds of situations and we teach clients to deal with them if needed.
Just as solving a Rubik’s cube requires strategy and patience, navigating the resistance we face in our personal transformations also demands certain approaches. Here are some strategies to consider:
Social proof proves nothing: Rolf Dobelli defines social proof or herd instinct as the psychological phenomenon where individuals feel they are behaving correctly when they act the same as other people. In the same vein, James Clear talks about imitating the close (family, friends, colleagues), the many (a larger group or society), and the powerful (influential people). Imitating those around us, although ingrained in our conduct throughout human evolution, may hold us back in our path to well-being.
Be compassionate: Sherrie Mansfield Vavrichek defines compassion as “a spontaneous reaction that comes from a feeling of deep connection with others and from our clear awareness that we have all at times experienced similar fears, frustrations and sorrows”. Understand that, most times, people are not consciously trying to be an obstacle or sabotage you.
Be assertive: Walter Riso defines assertiveness as “the psychological capability to express and defend one's personal rights while respecting the rights of others”. Communicating your thoughts and feelings and setting firm boundaries respectfully helps others understand your journey.
Extinguish dysfunctional conducts: As defined by Diaz, Ruiz and Villalobos, extinction of conducts means to stop reinforcing a conduct that was previously enforced. This might involve avoiding topics that invite negative comments, disengaging from fruitless discussions, and abstaining from activities that hinder your progress.
Keep Your Goal in Sight: Judith Beck, in her book 'The Beck Diet Solution,' presents a compelling strategy: carrying a small paper listing all the reasons for your goal, such as losing weight, and reviewing it before every meal. This technique isn't limited to weight loss; it can be adapted for any objective. From my professional experience, consistently reminding yourself of your reasons for making a change is incredibly effective, especially when faced with temptation. This approach not only anchors you to your future aspirations but also helps in overcoming hyperbolic temporal discounting, a common obstacle in decision making (learn more about this concept here: https://www.martinyugdartofalo.com/post/why-do-we-crave-immediacy).
It's clear that personal change is often met with resistance from those around us. This resistance, while challenging, is a normal part of the process of growth. It's important to remain compassionate and assertive, understanding that change affects not only us but also our relationships.
Keep in mind that despite initial resistance, perseverance and clear communication can lead to positive outcomes for everyone involved. As we continue on our paths of self-improvement, let's remember the power of staying true to our goals, even in the face of external pressures.
For those finding it difficult to navigate these changes, seeking support from a therapist can be a valuable step. Together, we can work towards overcoming these challenges, ensuring that our personal growth leads to a healthier and more fulfilling life, both for ourselves and for those we care about.
References:
BECK, J. (2009) The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin Person. TI Inc. Books
Clear, James. (2018). Atomic habits: an easy & proven way to build good habits & break bad ones . Penguin: Avery.
Díaz, M.I., Ruiz, M.A., Villalobos, A. (2017) Manual de Técnicas y Terapias Cognitivo Conductuales. Descleé De Brouver.
Dobelli, R. (2013). The art of thinking clearly: better thinking, better decisions. Hachette UK.
Riso, W (2005). Cuestión de Dignidad. Aprenda a decir no y gane autoestima siendo asertivo. Editorial Norma. Buenos Aires.
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